


The Price We Pay

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 23:43:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3307550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cousland and Alistair deal with infertility.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Price We Pay

**Author's Note:**

> Warning; Mentions of miscarriage, infertility and stillbirths. Some blood.

"Does he know?" Amelia asked, not taking her eyes from the young boy down below, playing quietly in the courtyard. Mindful not to get in anyone's way. A well mannered young lad. Morrigan should be proud, Amelia Cousland thought.

Morrigan did not need to ask as to what the Warden was referring to, "He knows that his father was a good man, your Grace. That is the extent of his knowledge on the subject, however."

Amelia paused, leaning heavily on her crossed arms over the ledge of the stone wall.

"You should introduce them," Amelia noded, as if confirming to herself that it was, indeed, the right things to do, "when he arrives, that is."

"Amelia..." Morrigan began softly, dropping the proper titles, but she could not seem to find the words to continue.

"You do not need to tell the boy who he is, but Alistair would like to know his son, I'm sure. He's always wanted children, you see..."

The words seem to shrink and wither away in Amelia's throat before she could speak them, unbidden emotion rising from deep within her, despite her best efforts. She waited until she knew she could speak without a waver in her voice, determined to not break in front of the woman who was mother to her husbands son.

"That's why I went away. It was not the only reason, of course, but for the most part I was simply tired of the disappointment. Tired of failing to give Alistair and I the proper family we both desperately desired. That's why I needed to go. To try and find a way to rid ourselves of this blighted curse."  
Amelia paused, though Morrigan knew better than to interrupt.  
"Do not mistake me, I do not regret becoming a Gray Warden. Without the taint, I would not have been able to end the Blight. Alongside all of your aid, of course," Amelia tipped her head humbly, as to not take all of the credit, "But now, I feel as if I have done my part. Perhaps it is selfish of me. I knew the Joining was eventually fatal when I underwent the ritual but..." Amelia trailed off.

"It is not selfish to wish to begin a new life, your Majesty." Morrigan said quietly, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Thank you, Morrigan," Amelia smiled, earnestly, "I simply wished to move forward. I felt trapped. I wanted to be a mother. My mother was so good to me, and I hoped only to pass on what she had taught me. I wanted to give Alistair a little boy or girl for him to worry over. We would always jest at how much of a handful they would be, if they were to be anything like Alistair was as a boy. I wanted to give us that chance, to raise a child of our own in the world that we both had fought so hard to save." 

"Perhaps you still will." Morrigan offered, though she herself could feel the hollowness of her words.

"He would be a good father, if you let him. He's very good with children." Amelia said. Morrigan was confused for a moment before she realized the Warden had directed her attention back to Keiran.

"I know this must be difficult for you, my friend." Morrigan softened her tone, a tone she had until now reserved only for Keiran, when he needed comforting.

Yes, Amelia thought. Morrigan was her friend. She had laid with Alistair and produced the one thing she herself was unable to give him. It had been so effortless for Morrigan, one night was all it took for his seed to take hold inside her. An heir. A family. A boy that bore Alistairs beautiful kind eyes and shy smile that would one day grow into a fine man. Despite all of this, Amelia still considered Morrigan to be one of her dearest friends. She kept the Witch of the Wilds at an arms length emotionally, but Amelia knew she could always depend on her. She knew she could truth Morrigan with her life, which is a trust not easily given, especially to one such as Morrigan. She even appeared to be a good mother to the raven haired boy.

Amelia's heart ached at the sight of the boy, though she knew it was of no fault of his own. She tried her very best to bear the boy no ill will. He was an innocent in all of this, as were Amelia's own children. All of the small bundles of tragically small babes that would never take their first breathes flashed through her mind. She had been permitted to hold them for a few moments before they were taken away and prepared for burial. Though some were ill formed and so tiny that she would wonder to herself how such a small thing could cause so much trouble, her heart still weakened at the sight of them. At what could have been. She would hold them and bid them farewell and tell them how much their mother loved them before their private funeral, offering them up to the Maker.

'They are held in the arms of the Maker now, your Grace. Andraste herself cares for royal babes, legend says.' The midwives and healers would tell her, attempting to make her feel better about her dead children.

Alistair would stroke her back as she cried on his chest, telling her it was alright. That they would try again, to not be so hard on herself. It wasn't her fault, he would say softly, they both had the odds stacked against them. She knew that it was not solely her failure, but after countless nights of her waking in a bed of her own blood, accompanied swiftly by the familiar sinking feeling of knowing her body had rejected yet another son or daughter, Amelia began to grow weary and blaming herself became easier and easier. Each lost babe taking a piece of her heart with them as they passed from this world onto the next.

The court had even tried to convince Alistair to take a lover. To produce a royal bastard, like he had been. Alistair had been outraged; one of the seldom few times he had raised his voice and lost his temper with his advisers. The particular idea never arose again, at least in his presence. Amelia often would notice the arrival of young, fertile servants with pleasing faces come through every once in a while, no doubt with the agenda to seduce her husband into giving them a royal bastard. Alistair's face would turn a bright red if they ever were too forward with him and would dismiss them immediately. He loved her, Alistair told Amelia countless times, and there would be a child with her, or no child at all, on that he was firm. Amelia tired her best not to dwell on the issue for too long, fearful that she herself would attempt to convince Alistair to just get it over with and take a mistress so that they could at least have a baby, even if it wasn't her own. Foolish, she thought. Before the end of the Blight, everything had seemed so simple. She recalled how she joked with Alistair about how the reason for their potential absence of offspring would not be for lack of trying. She only now feels foolish and selfish for the jest, all these years later. Alistair forbade the topic of a mistress to be brought up again, though, the discussion of his succession was still a very real concern, and was one even the King himself could not banish from the minds of his court and advisers.

 

"I had one almost survive," Amelia started, unsure why she was even telling Morrigan this tale, one she had never shared with anyone outside of those who needed to know, "the last one. We hadn't even been trying to conceive, but to our surprise, the little thing took root and began to grow. It was the healthiest pregnancy I'd had, and lasted the longest. Alistair had called in all the best healers and midwives to attend to me. He was always so protective when I was carrying. It was all very hush hush, of course, after so many miscarriages. We didn't want to let anyone know besides the few that needed to, if the worst were to happen. Alistair and I even felt the little thing kick. He spent hours listening to his tiny movements, his ear pressed up against my swollen belly. I had never gotten far enough into my pregnancies with the other babes to show very much. This was the first time that I had to take effort to conceal. He wanted to name the child then, to pick out a boy and a girls name for when they was born, but I refused. I was too afraid to give it life. To afraid if we acknowledged its presence, it would somehow realize how unlikely it was that it was there in the first place and leave me like all of the others had. But he felt so strong, even I began to grow excited. We felt against all odds, that this might be the son or daughter we had been wishing for these past ten years. I made it to seven months before I began my contractions. I was locked away in the dark birthing chambers for almost three days before they pulled the little thing from me."

Amelia pushed off the wall and stood with her arms crossed, eyes still on the boy as he seemed to have lured a mouse out of a hole in the wall with a piece of bread and was feeding it. A kind hearted little boy. More like Alistair than Morrigan, even in that aspect.

"He even cried out, though his lungs were not properly formed, I was told. He would need to be held carefully so that his little chest could get as much air into it as possible. He had Alistair's light hair, though there was barely a wisp of it at his crown. Alistair had come in as soon as they allowed him, almost taking the door off its hinges as he did so. He held the little thing gently and smiled down at it, tears in his eyes. He was beaming with pride. He cried and laughed and told me it was a boy. When he passed our son to me he told me what a good job I had done, and that he was as beautiful as his mother. He named him Duncan. Said it was a good, strong name, one the boy would be proud to have, after the stories Alistair would tell him. Duncan the Valiant, Alistair had predicted. Already so proud of his strong boy who had been born against all odds. Surely the Maker would not take him away from us this time. Not after we met him and fell in love with him."

Morrigan did not dare reply. There was never a declaration of a new prince born to Ferelden in the past ten years since Alistair and Amelia had been crowned, and there certainly hadn't been one in recent memory.

"He died three weeks after. His lungs were too weak, they said. Though he ate well, he did not seem to be growing as quickly as other babes his age were. And when he caught a small fever, it overtook him with little resistance. Duncan fought bravely, they told me, for each little breath he sucked into his chest. By the end he was a tiny, broken thing.. A bird without feathers. Alistair tried to make me feel better, tried to soothe me, but I could tell his heart had been broken as well. I had barely left the birthing room. The delivery having been especially difficult on me, they always were, even if they were small. I had barely held Duncan, save for when the wet nurses would bring him in. But Alistair had not left our sons side, the woman told me. 'I'm sorry, my love.' I told Alistair when he came to see me after the discreet funeral. And when he would usually say, 'it's not your fault, my dear. Don't blame yourself. We will try again.' This time he did not. Alistair had held me, kissed my forehead, but he did not say anything to me. His eyes and nose were red from weeping, I could tell, though he had tried his best to conceal it from me. I knew then that he had finally given up."

"That's when you left." Morrigan stated, not bothering to frame it as a question.

"Quite abruptly, actually. I could hear the bells ringing throughout the castle from the hills as I left. Alistair and I had heard tales of a cure for the blight, but did not think it was enough to go on until then. If there was a chance I could go and end our curse, I would have done anything in that moment."

"Amelia. I know you have probably heard this many times before, but, I feel it is my duty to inform you that your infertility is of no fault of your own."

"But unlike other woman who are cursed with a barren womb, I can be cured. I still hold out hope, though I know it must not sound it."

"I am glad to hear it. It is difficult to see you in such a state, Amelia. You who had always been so strong in the face of overwhelming odds. I realize now what a great disservice I have done to you. I love my son, and would not change my actions that brought him to me, though I wish it did not have to come at such a cost to you. I would not wish to harm you further by forcing a meeting between my son and Alistair. There is no need to torture yourself, my friend. Keiran has known no father, and he does not need to."

"Please, for Alistairs sake, he would love to see him. Even if just to meet the boy and make him laugh with a silly joke or two. I know it would mean the world to him. Please, Morrigan. Please..." Amelia finally turned to Morrigan, tears sliding down her face.

Morrigan had always been unaccustomed to the art of soothing the emotions of someone else, having a rather cold hearted mother to say the least, but her years as a mother herself had softened her. That much was obvious. She raised her hands and placed them securely on the sides of the Wardens face, using her thumbs to brush away the fallen tears.

"Hush now, my friend. We will discuss this further once the King arrives, yes?"

Amelia sniffed, looking at her feet with a frown and nodded, "thank you, Morrigan. You are a true friend."

Morrigan had to smile at Amelia. First, it was putting the fate of Ferelden and all of Thedas above her own, saving the world from the Arch Demon. Now it was putting Alistair and Morrigans son above her own heart break. She really was a remarkable woman, Morrigan thought.

"I vow to do whatever is in my power to aid you in your quest for answers, my friend. I am sorry now that I have not done so sooner."

Amelia glanced up, hope sparking in her eyes. The same determination Morrigan had come to know and admire in the Warden, "I would be very thankful for any aid you might be able to offer."

"It is the least I can do. Now come, we must get you cleaned up before your Lord Husband arrives. He has not seen you in several months, yes? T'would be a shame for his first impression of you is of red eyes and shaking hands." Morrigan let her hands drop and fixed a stray hair that was out of place on Amelia's head.

"You're staring to sound like Lelianna." Amelia teased, a knowing smirk tugged at her lips.

"Watch your tongue, Warden. I may be your friend, but I am still the same Witch of the Korcari Wilds you came across all those years ago." They began back to the castle, Amelia pushing away the last thoughts of despair to the back of her mind. A new sort of hope flourishing in her chest.

"I somehow think that this is untrue. But I am glad you have not changed too drastically." Amelia said, feeling better than she had in recent memory.

"I share the sentiment." Morrigan warmed at the idea of standing alongside the Hero of Ferelden once more.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Morrigan, even if she did break all kinds of girl rules during their friendship.
> 
> I'm still hoping for some kind of Inquisition DLC featuring the Warden and involved curing the taint, but who knows if that'll ever happen. Hopefully one day we get to see our Hero again & Bioware lets us give her or him the happy ending they obviously deserve. :)
> 
> I love comments and kudos!
> 
> \---
> 
> Follow me at Teyla-Adaar.tumblr.com ;)


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